You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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