he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
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