i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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