dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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