Umm I'm too high to move.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
