ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
