So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think your dad took our porno
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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