My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
