My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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