she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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