i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
