everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
