hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
