Can Purell be used as lube?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
