kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
