I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
