if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i came on her dog
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
