you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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