If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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