did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
