I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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