I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
