So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Randomize
