I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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