Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
