If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
