Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
