I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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