I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
