I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
