I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
