I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
