This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
