Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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