i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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