Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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