My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
