DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
