how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
