How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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