Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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