you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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