U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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