That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
