Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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