I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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