I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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