Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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