lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
