I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
