Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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