Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
