I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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