burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
