i would punch a child for taco bell
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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