"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
