Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
