Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
