captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Randomize
