I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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